It's Road Reasonableness, Not Rage

Dear Toyota Sequoia Owner heading west on 167 via the carpool lane,

Hi, I'm that bitch in the white Honda that was riding your ass today! Since you apparently don't know the International Driving Hand Signals for "Speed the fuck up or get out of the way, you stupid cow", I thought I'd attempt to educate you via the interwebs! Fate is a tricky bitch like that and you might just run into this!

I hope you really enjoyed your 55 mph drive in the carpool lane during rush hour. I could see your children were enjoying a terrific episode of SpongeBob SquarePants and it was also clear you were enjoying your cell phone call! Me and the seventeen cars stacked up behind you, however, weren't having very much fun at all! You see, we sludge through traffic all evening in an eager attempt to get home on time so we can get things done/relax/spend time with family/clean/sleep/drink ourselves into stupors/etc. So when we finally get to highways that have HOV lanes, we all get very, very excited! HOV! Freedom! Liberty! The ability to MOCK OTHER VEHICLES AS WE PASS THEM GOING 65+!!!!

You stole that from me and at least seventeen other poor souls this evening, Dear Obnoxious Soccer Mom. You are one of those people that add to the soul-crushing power of a day and I hope your pretty hubcaps fall off.

So please get off your goddamned cell and get OUT of the fucking carpool lane unless you're willing to go over 65 mph. Also please note: when someone flashes their lights, lays on their horn, flips you off, waves frantically or is looking VERY VERY ANGRY, you should also probably get the fuck out of the lane.

No Love,

That Bitch In The Honda

P.S. Tell your friends!!


Elwood said...

Wordy McWord.

Dr. Zoltar said...

That's why all cars should come with either battering rams or ray guns.

cj_atc said...

Only the penitent man shall pass.

Girl Friday K said...

Zoltar: Oooh, ray guns--those'd be excellent. Dalek's would be better.

CJ: Hm . . . does being sorry I'm trapped behind her count as penitent? I think it should.

cj_atc said...


Yes, we'll except that answer. You may pass.

Steph said...

I want machines guns mounted in front of my front tires under the bumper. And a battering ram.

Girl Friday K said...

Add onto that a REALLY obnoxious theme horn and I think we've found the Perfect Traffic Vehicle.

Brian Meredith said...

That was a beautiful letter. It warmed the shriveled blackened mass of what was once my heart. :)

Girl Friday K said...

I'm so glad I could warm your shriveled black heart mass. <3

. . . I am not warming ANYTHING ELSE.