Sexy Baristas

While I'm pretty certain other states have these, I don't know about them, so am going to speak about what Washington is doing.

We have sexeh bikini baristas. News stations here are oh-so-cleverly referring to them as sexpresso stands. AHAHA, that's hilarious.

In Belfair, Washington--population at a wowing 700 (whose only other claims to fame are breeding a Democratic congressman), they have gotten the Espresso Gone Wild (I think this is it's real name) stand zoned as EROTIC ENTERTAINERS. The girls have to cover up or pack up!

The same happened over in Bonney Lake.

Listen, Minivan Mothers. I understand that maybe the title of this stand threw you a bit--who'd know that by a name like 'Espresso Gone Wild', this would be a Girls In Bikinis coffee stand?! Not I, surely.

And I am insanely offended that my children--who I never take to the beach--are forced to see girls in bikinis working an espresso machine. Offended, I tell you. I am writing an angry letter right now!

Surely this is cause to ring the Whores Are Coming town bell and start a Mother Riot. Surely! Surely this is far, far more important than anything else going on in the country--hey, make sure your sixteen year-old girls aren't posting pictures of their budding cleavage on MySpace later! Take care of these Sexpresso Girls immediately. Next: Prayer in schools!!!!!

On behalf of secure women everywhere, I beg of you to shut the hell up and go patrol your children's internet usage.

Instead of being terrified at a bikini, perhaps you could spend some time talking to your teenagers about respecting themselves! Discuss what dignity means to them and how getting big tips for showing a little ass may not be the way to earn spare cash.

I happily support these sexpresso girls. I mean, if someone is dumb enough to operate machinery that cranks up liquids over 140 degrees, liquids that frequently splash/spill, while wearing as little clothing as humanly possible they need all the help they can get. Seriously--uh, ow?

This isn't slavery, this isn't against their will, this is girls purposefully working where they're going to make a bit extra bank for sacrificing their dignity because men love them the pretty girls. If that's what they want to do, hey, who am I to stop them? They don't need me to respect them in the morning--if they come out of working there feeling liberated and happy, more power to them. I mean that.

You know what objectification is? Here's a good example: Getting a city to call these girls EROTIC ENTERTAINERS just because they serve coffee in bikinis. Demeaning them for choosing a job that has nothing to do with dollar bills being tucked next to tassled nipples and lap dances. That's not just demeaning, it's mean.

Maybe this should be a comment on our society and not these 'sexpresso stands'. Maybe instead of ringing the Whores Are Coming bell, the bell you should be ringing is the 'Oh No, Why Are We Raising Our Daughters To Be Okay With This' bell. It's the one right next to the 'Buy Her A Home Depot Tool Kit AND An Easy Bake Oven'.

So back off, Used-To-Be-Hot-Before-Four-Kids Minivan Mom (oh, hey, did I just pigeon hole you? I DID, didn't I? Gosh, I'm sorry. At least I didn't imply you were a whore!). Go get a fucking mani/pedi and some self-esteem. I'll defend these chicks all the way--I'd never, ever do it, but just because I can't respect it in myself doesn't mean I can't make room for other women to feel differently.


Evie said...

Personally, I usually ask regular baristas to take off their tops before serving my coffee. I don't know where their shirtsleeves have been.

Kristina Wright said...


I find they really don't mind, you know, it's crazy hot in those drive-thru stands.

Oracle_Batgirl said...

like any service, people are not obligated to patronize these establishments. If they don't like it, don't go there. It's ridiculous to care if someone wears a little less to serve a cup of coffee/espresso when on any given night, your kid can watch someone getting their head cut off on network televsion. Some people seem to think violence is better than something of a sexual nature, and that is FUCKED UP imho. Why in gods name did (modern)America have to be founded by Puritans?

Anonymous said...

Dangit, I thought this was going to be about baristas dressed as Cyclops or something.

Oracle_Batgirl said...

Um...to add. I am a pro-choice kind of person with a liberal stance. This is a subject that has bedeviled me for a very long time and I got a bit ah..strident. *grins*

I belive in someones right to choose to personally boycott a service if it's their belief, much like choosing religion it's their own business what gives them joy or what causes their unhappiness. That said, the people who patronize them make an active concious choice too. Fair enough.

Elwood said...

I agree with all of this, and not just because I'm a dirty old man not above sneeking peeks at young clevage.

Freedom of choice is not exclusive, or even synonomous with, abortion. It goes for all things. Including where you get your daily grind.

Elwood said...

And by grind, I meant coffee. Not, you know, grind. Although I'm sure people have their personal preferences on that, too.

Mike Miller said...

As long as they aren't hurting anyone else people should have the right to do whatever they want. And if they want strip and serve, that's there buisness.

Although you should toatally hold a seminar, "How to get guys to cough up cash without stripping", or "Geek Knowledge = Hot Strippers", you'd make a killing.

Arkonbey said...

Used-To-Be-Hot-Before-Four-Kids Minivan Mom

Man. That is harsh.

Kristina Wright said...

@OB: Exactly--what would have been much better in this situation is a boycott. Or, oh, nothingatall.

@S: See, now there's a great idea. Superhero Coffee. Someone could totally sell that.

@OB: I totally agree. Boycott is fine, making a law that calls them strippers? Not so much!

@E: "Freedom of choice is not exclusive, or even synonymous with, abortion" Wordy McWord, right there.

@M: Pretty much! The Geek Knowledge = Hot Strippers revelation is all-pervasive.

@A: Yes it is!

John said...

Life is so much simpler when you don't drink coffee. Now, if Brian started wearing skimpy outfits on Wednesdays, I'd be in real trouble.

qtilla said...

I wanted coffee a while ago and saw a stand and pulled over. It was a bikini stand, but it was a stand on the right side of 99. Whatever, my coffee was fine and the girl working there seemed very wholesome. Much more so than I.

I agree that making coffee in a bikini sounds dangerous. In college I had a roommate who once attempted to make bacon in his boxers. This did not go well. I assume that the same principle applies.

On a related note I used to buy my meat *snicker* from Central Market because the butcher there was hot. If he had been in his swim trunks I would have bought meat EVERY DAY.

Ferretnick said...

Q: You naughty girl!

I heard it on the radio on my way in this morning and thought "Really? This is worth talking about for more than 5 minutes?"

I agree that it's mean to label these girls as adult entertainment, but on the other hand how far does it need to go?
Stand A sells coffee in bikinis but stand B sells it topless (w/ pasties). Now stand A has to step up to the plate and be even more daring and outragous. Why?

I'm with Elwood in that I'm not above sneaking a peek if it's offered, but what are we teaching young girls about this type of behavior? Or boys for that matter?
That it's okay to flash your flesh if it'll make some extra cash?

I'm not being a prude about this, but parents know that their own kids aren't going to listen to all the sagely advice they're given from mom & dad, so all the self-esteem lectures are going to go in one ear and out the other. They see other people doing it and "being successful" at it so they're going to do it also. There's no motivation to be a better person just by being good at what you do and doing it better than anyone else. Be it coffee, baking, or construction.

I don't think this needs to be legislated but there should be some common sense "rules" regarding this type of salesmanship.

I won't give these stands my business, just because I don't think it sets a good example for younger impressionable minds and it just encourages more of this type of behaviour. (Also.. there aren't any stands like this in my area)

I'm not going to say "THEY HAVE TO STOP!" but really do we need to sink to this level to drum up business?

Dr. Zoltar said...

You know, if this had never made the news I would have never known that these places existed. I'm a Starbucks whore so it really doesn't matter to me.

Another one of these sexpresso places got in trouble in Bremerton (I think). The girl working there showed what the pasties looked like and they were huge! Like cover your entire breast and then some huge. So I don't get why people are so up in arms about this.

Bottom line - if you don't like it, don't go there. We all have free will.