!!Final Crisis In-Depth Olympics Coverage!!

Final Crisis #3
Writer: Grant Morrison
Art/Cover: JG Jones
Colors/Sliver Cover: Alex Sinclair

Well, this issue certainly provoked some reactions, didn't it?












Reviewing Final Crisis is hard, dammit. Let's do a . . .

Catch-all of the First Two!!

Issue One.

Metron sparked knowledge, giving fire to Anthro, the first boy and we get a lot of cavemen being evil monger scenes. Cut to present day. Danny Turpin finds Orion dying. Orion's last words warn "He is in you all". The Question turns Turpin onto the Dark Side Club. John Stewart gets there first (with the Black Racer hovering behind him) and contacts Hal Jordan--who has been alerted, but ring is not responding at this time. John and Hal lock up the scene of the crime, the Guardians send out a Special Operations Alpha Lantern.

Some expendable good guys, including the unfortunate Mas y Menos, get taken out terrifyingly easily by the Doctor Light/Mirror Master team. Then we see a single a panel interruption of a villain protest march on the streets, where Arsenal, Black Canary, Hawkgirl and Red Tornado rounding them off under threats of lawyers. How random.



Cut back to Doctor Light and Mirror master getting a fancy-pants Metron chair for Libra. Doctor Light needs viagra, or something close, for a big (weeeak, self, weak) date with Giganta.

Libra holds court. Luthor is Very Dubious of his proposition, as is Vandal Savage--who is not averse to the taste of human flesh. Libra, though, is not only possibly not human, he also claims to be the 'balance'. If they team up with him--the Super Secret Society of Villains (apparently a cool name didn't come with those Dalek boots and gloves) and follow his orders, he's going to give them their hearts desire. He wants to 'end the age of superheroes'.

Try This Site, Libra!!

Libra demonstrates his point and awesome, awesome power by giving the Human Flame his heart's desire--a dead Martian Manhunter. A drugged Martian Manhunter is brought out, and then Libra sucker-stabs him through the chest with his neat flaming balance spear (oh, oh, spear? Interesting) thing. Human Flame records it on his cell phone (clearly someone has a very important blog post to make later).
Reverend Good is preaching about the doomed Bludhaven and Turpin is not-really watching it on television as he waits in a bar for an informant about the Dark Side Club. It's a trap. Of course. Apparently Turpin's mama raised a bit of a fool.

Turpin expected someone younger when he met Boss Dark Side. Dark Side discusses how bodies wear out hard in here and how he was hurt in a fall. Turpin wants the kids and Dark Side gives them to him--he'd given them to Granny Goodness. Dark Side discusses how the kids are humanity's best hope for the future, it's 'life force'. And then he takes his glasses off, is red-eyed and wrinkly and claims to have won the war in heaven (was this a last God standing match?).
Dark Side reveals they taught the kids how to say the equation (maybe it's 'Paris Hilton Is So, So Smart). Dark Side calls the kids the 'new model human', and the children come forward, red-eyed.

Cut to a round table of the JLA, in which the conversation is dominated by Superman, Wonder Woman and Batman. They discuss the Gods, how powerful they are, and how they need to find them before they strike. The JLA goes to Condition Amber, which--as you can see from the chart below--is likely equivalent to going to Condition Elmo.


Multiverse Monitor Nix Uotan is being punished after what happened to Earth 51 in Countdown. He claims sabatoge but no one cares--he's stripped of his duties, powers and word of attention. Weeja Dell is very, very upset about her boyfriend. She gets comforted by Monitor Zillo Valla, who explains (mostly for the reader) that the Monitors now have names/stories/personalities and that Ogama fears they've been contaminated by their contact with the other worlds (Guardians, anyone?)
We cut to Anthro, being thoughtful against a picturesque sunset over the ocean, serenely drawing symbols in the sand. Kamandi thoughtlessly interrupts this beautiful, Look How Sexily We Have Evolved moment (!!) by demanding the weapon Metron gave him so it can be used against the Gods. Antrho suddenly has face markings (?) like Metron.

We end with Nix Uotan waking up, human, on Earth Ground Zero.

Similarities, anyone?

Thus ends, D.O.A. and the God of War

Now? Issue Two.

The issue opens with the young Japanese superheroes outside a club, waiting to get in. Then it cuts to news flashes insulting them and praising the Old Timers. The youngsters are insulted, protesting and vowing that they'll save the world in their own way. One of the best lines so far, "When will he realize that being fantastic is a superpower in itself?".

Sonny Sumo wants water. Ice. And a tall glass. Possibly combined. His water-ice-tall glass combo is rudely interrupted by a fight proposition, to which he tells the guy to talk to his manager, pisses off Megayakuza (best name evar), gets set on fire (insert flamer joke here) and then jams his fist through Megayakuza's chest.

And then, in the koolest Kombat Fatality ever, he leaves the heart on the tall glass. Woah.



And then, as Sonny is braced over the sink and emoing at himself in the mirror, Mister Miracle rolls into the club, Motherboxxx in tow. Mister Miracle tells Sonny about the war, about how evil won and about how he needs to put a team together because they (the powers of evil) are among them now.

Cut to newly human Nix Uotan, who seems to be searching through a dictionary for a power word. He's totally lost and talking like a crazy person at his shitty job.

Best sign ever is here, "It's OK to have a BIG BELLY". Ahahaha. Excellence.

Words not the power word: bedazzle, bedlam, cathexis, cathode, criminal, crimson, crinkle. possibly all the A words, as well as B (I don't know, though, it happened off panel!!!)

Cut to Danny Turpin--he escaped the Evil Children!--beating the hell out of Some Guy in an attempt to find the kids. Some Guy made prototype mind control hats. Turpin reveals his turn-ons aren't just walks on the beach, but also the sound of breath whistling through smashed cartilage.

He thinks something is wrong with him, but that's not stopping him from beating the fuck out of Some Guy. He doesn't feel good, the bathroom's covered in blood and he jets to Bludhaven.
Slip to a page of our superheroes mourning and speaking above J'onn J'onzz's casket.

Cut to Libra, asking his Round Table Of SSSV's and potential SSSV's if they're convinced. Luthor? Not so much. "Hurt Superman, perhaps I'll take you more seriously". Clayface is a fanboy and apparently next on the Libra Gift List.Libra takes Luthor up on his condition. Luthor and Vandal Savage are hanging out outside, getting their rides and discussing making an alliance with Sivana The Reptile Thing against Libra. Savage is too bored, apparently, and Libra is offering up more amusement than anything else.

The Human Torch is quick to reassure Libra, calling him 'Boss' which Libra rejects (someone prefers 'Daddy'). The Human Torch tells Libra he owes him big time, which Libra replies (a little ominously, if you ask me) "Why don't we go back inside and talk about . . . well . . . about what you owe me."

Back to Wonder Woman, Superman, Batman and others. They discuss everything that's already happened, then the Special Operations Alpha Lantern Kraken is introduced. She's entirely unimpressed by the JLA, and unimpressed by Jordan and how much attention he gives Earth.

It's revealed that Orion was shot. Batman gets snippy. Kraken is snippy. Batman doesn't remember voting the Guardians in (it's those benders, my friend) and Kraken thinks they're all idiots. Especially Jordan.

On to John Stewart, who is guarding the scene of the crime and Opto is with him . . . and hearing sounds, apparently. There's a trace of something Stewart's ring is detecting, that has been there for fifty years or so and, according to Stewart, makes it a pretty unlikely murder weapon. Opto leaves to find that noise again. Stewart digs up the object, which seems to be a bullet, the ring warns of unidentified theotoxic trace material, discusses that it's found in the Guardian Archives, says it's Radion, calls an emergency and then totally runs out of batteries.And then he gets attacked by an arm who has a ring, gets stakes thrown at him (more Jesus here). They say, "Say goodbye to your eyes".

Cut to Hal Jordan's bedroom, where Alpha Kraken and Company invade, place him under arrest for the attempted murder of Orion and John Stewart. Over to Batman and Superman, discussing the arrest and knowing Jordan didn't do it. Batman doesn't trust Kraken. Superman needs an hour or too, tells him Doctor Mid-Nite and Wonder Woman are with John Stewart, healing him. Superman apparently needs to let Clark Kent out of the bag too.

"Hh. Superman, Superman."

Batman goes and confronts Kraken. That is the opposite of how it went, which just proves once and for all that old Kirk vs Batman debate. Before Kraken seems to be taken over, she says "Help me! She's eating my mind alive . . . tell them our weapons don't work . . . tell them . . ." Batman calls for a Black Alert and for the Hall of Justice to be secured before Kraken puts him in a boom tube, apparently sending her to Granny.

Black Alert?

Turpin arrives in Bludhaven, which looks like a warzone. Reverend Good is there and calls him over. Cut to inside a lair, and some excellent lines from Reverend Good. "See how selflessly we prepared this pit of human suffering and sickness as a cradle for your rebirth. We've already won. And they don't even know!"

Turpin asks about the kids. Good tells him he already met the kids. Turpin is confused, complains about the air screwing with him and finally, goddamn finally says the question half the readers had been screaming since Anthro got fire: "What the hell's going on here?"

"We, sir, are the Gods of Apokolips, manifesting in all our bleak majesty to bring about the final crisis of man. Come in, come in. All is begun. They've even grown a new body for your son, Kalibek The Cruel."


Kamandi is in a cage, yelling to Turpin that they're making slaves--we see dozens, possibly more, people trapped in cages. Good says they're destined to become 'subhuman degenerates, living, breeding joylessly, and dying in agony to serve the eternal, all-consuming firepits'.
The Evil Factory is open for business, and we get a panel of people strapped to operating tables, people trapped in what appear to be stasis chambers, Batman trapped in . . . whatever the hell that is and blood and guts on the floor.

Good tells Turpin, "Where the New Gods fell, what chance have Earth's primitive strongmen against all the armies of Apokolips? See, we started rounding them up already!"



Turpin says there's someone in his head and Batman tells him that they're coming to get them all, to warn the Justice League and, as a helmet drops down on his fine, fine skull, to warn everyone.

To Clark Kent, talking to Perry White and clearly not focusing. He's looking at Jimmy, who, runs downstairs and we see him slide into Clayface in the elevator. Uh oh. As Clark puts two and two together, the Daily Planet explodes. Lois doesn't look good.

The Flashes, Wally and Jay. Wally discusses how that Overlord Batman told him to read through the internet, looking for unusual activity around the time J'onn was murdered. He asked Jay to tag along and they end up at a strip club--Jay reveals that this is where he met Barry. Note: It used to be a city community center. Jay laments Barry and J'onn as Wally reveals that a seismic pulse, around the time J'onn's heart exploded, originated from this location. He found traces of J'onn's blood and the crime bible. And Metron's Mobius chair.

Wally runs with Batman Crazy Theories and is working on a theory of a bullet fired backwards through time. Jay TOUCHES THE CHAIR and gets struck by lightning.
Wally wonders if this is where the God-Bullet breaks into time. He guesses, "the shell travels through time, kills back through time, kills Orion, and passes through him into the past where it finally buries itself in the concrete fifty years ago. And that thing there is the scope of a higher-dimensional gun."

Then, the chair lights up and probably makes a lot of noise and definitely has some vibrations attached to it ($499.99 at your local Linen and Things, 10% discount with Linen and Things credit card) and Jay recognizes the good vibrations.

And enter one of my favorite all time splash pages in a comic book: Barry, Black Racer and a Speeding Bullet, with Barry yelling, "Run!"

Wrong Bullet. Sorry ladies.

Thus ends Ticket to Bludhaven.

Issue 3. Finally.

We open with S.H.A.D.E. Agents busting into the Dark Side Club, with Frankentstein. Let's all have a Moment of Awesome for Frankentstein.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwesome.

Dark Side's body is mummified and The Question is there. The S.HA.D.E. Agents yell that Frankenstein already told her to freeze, she stole some of Batman's awesome kit and smokebombs her way out of there--but not before asking about what happened to Danny Turpin (*cough*newDarkSide*cough*). Lightning in the sky. Frankenstein examining the body. Montoya walking down the street. Lightning turns into fiery ball. An electronic cursor magically appearing next to the mummified corpse, Frankenstein asking Father Time if he's seeing that the magic cursor thing is writing something.

Father Time puts Frankenstein on hold and tells Taleb that his New York team just found the Ark of the Covenant. Taleb says he's ordered a crate, the fiery ball of person falls through buildings, the cursor writes "Know Evil". Taleb tells Father Time about Bludhaven--where a warlord has set himself up in the weapons bunker and killing anyone who gets close. Americans don't need to know about this and he needs Father Time's most expendable agents.

. . . after he has explained to Montoya their plans for her in the Global Law Enforcement! Because now is the perfect time for that.

The fiery ball has landed and it was a fiery ball of German Supergirl, with Montoya first on the scene. German Supergirl tells us that she's the German Supergirl (thanks), that Hell has won and heaven is bleeding, which we've totally heard before! Nothing like a redux--thanks for nothing!

S.H.A.D.E. Agents abscond (possibly) with Montoya.

Cut to Nix, who gets fired for being That Creepy Employee. Graviton is a dirty word--but the impact fields are increasing, if you ask Nix.

Nix is moping on the street and stops at a window to watch the news. The symbol Anthro drew in the very first issue makes a second appearance in the New York Subway Extension. Apparently crop circles of the same order are appearing in England. And, as Nix watches, he's being watched by Monitor Zillo Valla.

The news carries us from Nix and Valla to the Flashes, where Jay is telling the family what happened. They ran. And ran. After the Bullet--but none of them could catch it, and we get a shot of Orion getting shot with the Black Racer right there with them.

Cut to Black Racer standing over Orion with Turpin there. To Flashes reflected in his helmet. TO Barry and Wally outrunning the Black Racer. To Jay telling the women the story and confirming that it was Barry.

Cut to Libra and the Human Flame, in some shell looking place. The Human Flame establishes his idiocy with a worried homophobic comment about how generous Libra's being to him--it's a new digs and an outfit, apparently, that pushes him over the edge. Libra says that the new hideout and uniform is the Human Flame's commitment to a higher purpose and asks him to try it out. He goes for the helmet and hears a voice.

Libra asks him to listen closely.

And Libra slams the helmet down on Human Flame's head, "That's the Anti-Life Equation, you pathetic, ignorant little failure!". Which was awesome. And totally interrupted by I-Can't-Be-Bothered-To-Make-An-Appointment Luthor, who is way, way early for the SSSV meeting.

God, Libra doesn't even have the decoder rings ready yet!

Libra says Mike, The Human Flame Slave, almost choked to death, but he's much better now and asks if Luthor's taking him seriously yet. Luthor . . . well, he's impressed, because Superman's been out of his . . . er. Eyebrow hair for 18 hours.

Not that impressed, though, because after Libra says Luthor owes him, Luthor denies it and admits Libra's a threat. That needs to be neutralized.

Libra reintroduces Mike The Human Flame Slave--and fuck if Libra doesn't have some of the most bad-ass dialogue, "You remember Mike, don't you? 'Halfwit' Mike, 'Nonentity' Mike. The 'Human Flame'."

And then, Mike, who is part of something much bigger now, says, "Judge others. Enslave others. Anti-Life justifies my hatred."

And Libra delivers the ultimate goods to Luthor, an offer good for less than a day: Join. Be like Mike or "renounce science, swear an oath on the Bible of Crime and pledge your service to the Master of All Evil. The day of Apokolips is at hand, sir, and I am only its Prophet." (Personally, I find the specific, "renounce science" comment particularly interesting when put to a man like Luthor.)

Wrong Mike.

Now we're at Metropolis Memorial Hospital, where Clark is with Lois and Jimmy Olsen. Lois is fucked. up. Perry's on life support and two red shirts got it even worse. Jim leaves him alone with Lois, off to try and find Superman. Clark reveals that his heat vision is the only thing keeping Lois alive. He apologizes to her and says he'd do anything to take the pain away. Anything.

Anything?

Reveal Monitor Valla, spying again, and telling Clark Kent she knows who he really is. She knows everything and he must come with her if he wants one chance to save her, but they must leave now.

Cut to Hal chained by the Alpha Lanterns. JLA members are adament he didn't do it, Kraken is mocking the existence of 'Evil Gods' and Hal can't remember where he was when Orion was killed or John was attacked. He'll go clear this up with the Guardians, everything'll be A-OK.

No, really!

Wonder Woman and Company surmise the situation, yet again in a useless two panels, and then discuss how they need an army. How they need . . . Article X.

Cue music.

Alan Scott, fabulous cape and all, gets on the horn to Oracle, who'll be the new hub of communications for the superhero community. They tell us where they've set her up and reassure her of being indispensable (useless panel).

In cool news: There's a new Aquaman, who looks awesome as a whale (?) informs him of Article X. We interrupt Shazam's moping, then he 'shazams'--thank god. Supergirl asks her at to not pee in her laundry basket while she's gone and is apparently doing some outfit redesign. Tawny needs a jet pack. Black Canary and Green Arrow's sex life is healthy and GA thinks the man is after him.

But still gets bossed around nicely by the wife.

Cue Alan Scott, looking at all the assembled superheroes and dares anyone stand against them!

Cut to Mister Miracle and Sonny Sumo, headed to an airplane. Mister Miracle gives a bit of information about how he crawled out of the grave, only due to Motherboxxx. They have apparently convinced Sumo, or at least convinced him enough, though he's really dubious as to whether or not a Sumo Wrestler and an escape artist are going to be able to fight this. Mister Miracle says no one has a choice.

Then, their plane explodes and it looks like the Human Helmet Slaves are after them and they're in a terrible terrible position.

And, in one of the greatest rescues ever, the Super Young Team drive in (because they were stalking after them) and Mister Miracle, Motherboxxx and Sonny Sumo hop in, with the Human Helmet Slaves hot on their tailpipes. The Super Young Team fan at the three, Mister Miracle warns them off and says they can't be involved and Superbat--who has clearly been taking How To Be Cool lessons from Robin--says, "Excuse me. We are the Super Young Team. We've done this sort of thing before." And the car totally takes off.

Cut to Wonder Woman in Bludhaven, carrying a little girl out, escorting the mother and discussing that they need to get out and stay out of Bludhaven. We're introduced to the Atomic Knights that S.H.A.D.E. has set up for patrolling.

Wonder Woman wants to go in.

Atomic Knights are--ahahahhahahahahhahahahaha--required to accompany her into contaminated territory and ask her if she wants to wait for back-up. Wonder Woman declines.

Command-D is brought up and identified--a gene weapons test site they build under over of the rubble at Chemo Ground Zero. Man, if Nightwing saw this shit . . .

A local crimelord is holed up in there, airstrikes are out of the question so they're sending in Super-Soldiers.

Their pony dogs, which are awesome, are the result of the Command-D research. Marene Herald, one of the knight's, introduces herself (RED SHIRT ALERT) and tells Wonder Woman what an honor it is and what an inspiration she is. Wonder Woman says she's proud and then they're rudely interrupted by dead bodies. What. Ever.

Wonder Woman asks what happened and Marene Red Shirt tells us it was S.H.A.D.E. operatives, the guy said his name was Replika, that they were all him and then they get rudely interrupted again, this time by . . .

Mary Marvel.

Wonder Woman masters the obvious, with "You look different. . ."

No shit. She looks like she got attacked by an S&M Fetish Designer armed with a razor.

I think it's ridiculous. And awesome.

Mary tells WW that she couldn't stand to be so plain and boring one second longer (clearly and hey, Mary? Problem totally solved) and recommends the Flesh Farm at Command-D for WW.

And then they fight. And it's kind of awesome and not long enough. Mary beheads a pony dog and slices Marene Red Shirt in half. Maybe she shouldn't have introduced herself.

Wonder Woman somehow gets Mary on the ground, tells the remaining knight not to fire--"No! Your weapons can't harm her! She's not a killer!"

. . . uh. Really? Wonder Woman?

I'm no doctor, but I think she's dead, Jim.

Mary says she does what Darkseid tells her now. She says they've been hiding in human bodies and that superheroes are too late. Wonder Woman is shocked. Mary tells her in five minutes Anti-Life Equation goes global and they're all fucked.

But not to worry, Wonder Woman, you'll be working for Darkseid too. They need a carrier monkey, and you're it!

Times you don't want to win 'Eenie Meenie Miney Moe', I suppose.

She infects Wonder Woman.

Cut to Mokkari, who identifies himself and his cause before pushing the should've-been-a-red button to send out the Equation.
Mr. Terrific is at the castle and asks Oracle to check something. In true Bat Fashion, she's way ahead of him. Someone in Bludhaven has just sent an e-mail to every single person in the entire world. It's opening itself. Oracle wants to shut it down. She has to kill the net and yells, "Pull the plugs! Oh God. Pull the plugs before it--"

Next panel is a screen shutting down.

Cut to Barry and Wally, finally done running. Wally says they've run a few weeks into the future. Barry laments they couldn't save Orion and he doesn't know why he came back and all around them, the world is trashed.

We see a boot, clearly Wonder Woman's, as he asks why he's back, what they've done to the world.

Last splash page, another great one imo.

Boar Head Wonder Woman on Evil Pony Dogs. "Superheroes. Kill." Wonder Woman clearly didn't take Mary's earlier fashion device and opted to go with the Hell Pigs line instead. It's a . . . choice. Certainly.

The Anti-Life possessed Wonder Woman, Elasti-Girl, Bat-Woman and an oddly normal looking Catwoman. Perhaps because she's a villain?

And so ends Know Evil.

So? After I spend four hours rereading everything, going through it for everyone panel by panel and finding funny little pictures, what do I think?

. . . well, I like it. I like it a lot. I think a lot happens. I think a whole fuckload happens in this series--compare this 3 with Secret Invasion's. People complain there's too much fighting there, not enough explanation and over here it's the opposite.

Combine forces for . . . er. The Skrull Anti-Life Equation?

I think this is fascinating--the mythology Morrison is bringing in, everything from Christianity to old-school Pantheons is fascinating. Science vs. Magic and Good vs Evil where Evil has totally already kicked your ass.

I'm bummed I have to wait two months, but the tie-ins look really, really promising.

I think where the plot fails the most is with the main superheroes--I love everything else, the villain talk, the Super Young Team, Mister Miracle, Turpin, all of that. But as soon as it gets to Wonder Woman, Superman and Batman, the plot falters--most especially and noticeably with Wonder Woman in Bludhaven and readers getting a little lost as to why, how and what's going on with S.H.A.D.E. But, the fail isn't even that much, I honestly don't think so and especially not with Batman and Kraken scene, it's just where the writing hits its weakest point.

And off-panel events are a matter of taste--and writing. Morrison does a lot of it, I'm used to it from him and I think it was done well enough. Over at Nightwing, for example, it was done terribly, but that was slack that wasn't picked up in Nightwing's book.

I don't think criticisms are necessarily off with this book--again, Morrison is a definite love-or-don't writer, but what I do think is how everyone forgets it all makes sense in the trade. Which is why I opted to do this long ass coverage of the first three issues. See how everything's tying in together? See the things that are relating, the overlaying themes?

Mary Marvel, check back with me. I think her outfit is hysterical and eight pounds of awesome, but I'm also not sure why the fuck it had to be her. Got a reason?

Tell me what you think--agree, disagree, where, all of it. Inquiring minds and I spent too damn long on this not to get any discussions.

Any mistakes made are ones born of hours spent writing all this up--note to me via Twitter or in a comment and I'll fix it when I get back from grocery shopping. Also, let me know what you think of my In-Depth review, I quite liked doing this and think I'll start doing one a week in the future for various events.

And? Thanks for reading all this. Very much.