Girls Like Explosions, Boys Like Drama

When I say, 'don't pitch titles at my vagina', what I'm saying is this: Girls like explosions and boys like drama. It's okay. The secret is out, people, stop hiding your Gossip Girl DVD collections/Ultimate Rambo behind all the more 'appropriate' DVD's on the shelf. One person may lean more towards explosions or drama. That one person may be part of a big group of same-sex people that have the same thing in common, but that does not mean they don't lean over the other way sometimes. It's cool! Totally cool. Bisexual tastebuds?

Wait, what?

Anyway, women appreciate male-dominated themes. Men appreciate drama. It's not like men don't like stories that are deep and involved, it's not like they don't care about the characters. The majority of men may appreciate drama on a smaller scale than women, but I think the majority of women appreciate action less than men do. Who cares about the scale, anyways? I just want to read really awesome comics that have both things. They don't even have to be IN the same comic all the time, or have the same amount of each. I just long for the day that women reading comics or men watching drama tv goes unnoticed.

I love it when shit blows up. Those Explosion Money-Shots that were so popular in the eighties/nineties/todaytodaytoday!? Those were my vitamins growing up. The cheesier the better. I want to always see someone casually strolling out of a blazing inferno. That was so AWESOME. It's still awesome today! Look at this Die Hard explosion! I love watching him crawl through the vents and I love action movie one-liners, I love watching Rambo do really random ass cool shit with a really big friggin' knife. I constantly think to myself, 'Hey, this movie needs more explosions'.

But you know what else I love? Creepy. Gross. Outrageous. Stuff that is just entirely not okay. I love it when werewolf sodomy makes utter sense in a comic book. I like violent comic books. I like the sight of entrails on a full-page panel. Fists disappearing into chests? Okay! Guys punching the hell out of each other's faces? Whee! Full-blown alien invasions? I'm on it. It's all so freaking cool and fun and important to me.*

I like expensive or big shit to go boom. Big boom! Bada big boom!

Here's a great movie example of this theory: Fifth Element. I think it's a really, really great movie. It's on my Top 10. For me, it has It All. Awesome sci-fi action-adventure with drama. Delicious drama. It's one of my favorite love stories as well--it's deep, it's quiet and not over-stated, it's not the only drive to the story. But neither are all the really awesome action scenes. It's a great balance, with great acting I <3 sci-fi. It's a popcorn movie that still manages to make itself feel important. Not every action flick has to have a throw-away plot, something that the most recent slew of really popular action blockbuster movies have been realizing.

Everyone likes a bit of everything, it's just the degrees that are different. So when I say 'stop throwing things at my vagina' it doesn't mean I don't like the fact that a certain title/show may exist, it just means I don't like that it to the exclusion of men. Or for it to be loudly aimed at any one group/sex and not just advertised as what it is. You don't need to mention boobies for us to know there will be boobies. You don't need to mention tampons for us to know there will be tampon discussions. Or, drama that needs to apologize to men for existing. Everyone can like everything in different amounts, your comic book/fiction book/movie/television series doesn't actually need to pander to a vagina or a penis. It's patronizing. People don't really need to be told what their body parts would prefer to read, seeing as we can figure it out by ourselves. Besides, obvious pandering is a turn off for people that would be easiest for you to hook onto your product, Comic Book People. Stop over-doing everything. I understand this is fiction we're working in and everything gets exagerrated, but come on.

Besides, actions hurt. How would you like it if I threw things at your penis? You wouldn't, would you?

* Except poop. I do not enjoy poop. I do not think poop is funny or interesting. The word 'poop' is funny, but actual poop? Not funny. Poop is gross. I have to wipe poop off my toddler. Every. Day. No, I do not want a 'poop' sign. Though it is a funny idea and if you like poop, you ought to buy yourself one. You could courtesy-post it outside the bathroom you share with people, as to warn them of the 'beauty' you have created and left for display, if you are inclined to such odd behavior.


kylestevensmusic said...

You go girl. I love me some Jerry Maguire and I'm not afraid to say it. Pre couch jumping.

Elwood said...

For the Record: I own both the Ultimate Rambo collection *and* Gossip Girl dvds.

Mike Miller said...

I love explosions and drama! in fact, "Everybody Loves Explosions" is going to be a sitcom I will create... writers wanted.

Ren said...

I just LOL'd at work. Thanks. How'm I ever gonna explain that?

Confession: Die Hard? Yes. Fifth Element? Totally? The English Patient? Cried like a schoolgirl.